Jeff's World of Crap Presents

The 95 (and counting...) Different Types of Crap

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  1. A New Land Is Born crap
    You crap so much that when you look into the bowl, you can't see any water at all. Columbus couldn't have been prouder.

  2. A-Bomb crap
    This one shoots straight down at close to the speed of sound, resulting in a mushroom cloud of water that soaks your cheeks, the backs of your thighs, and (if you're unlucky) your trousers.

  3. Above-the-rim crap (or the Other rim job for you naughty 'uns)
    This exotic turd should be in Ripley's Believe it or Not! Everything feels normal while you're doing the dirty deed, yet when you stand up, you notice that your turbid torpedo has left a skid mark all the way up the side of the bowl and on the rim, as well, despite the clearly clean separation of the putrid projectile from your back passage. Because your crap has left its mark above the rim, no amount of flushing will help you - this one requires a good deal of effort with the toilet brush to erase the evidence.

  4. Alcatraz crap
    These huge multiple pieces of crap tear your rectum, causing you to bleed and making you feel like you were repeatedly gang-raped by sex starved prisoners.

  5. Air crap
    The kind were you feel so bloated that you figure you've really got to dump a big load. But when you get on the pot all you do is fart up a storm - this happens most often after you come home from a long road trip, and everyone's waiting for you to get out.

  6. Almost-there-but-reluctant-to-drop crap
    This is the kind of crap that is just about to be released, when all of a sudden it stays there between the water and your ass as if it were in limbo.

  7. Anonymous crap
    You get this one in big Dilbert-type office buildings: Noxious fumes flood the entire site, but nobody knows who did it.

  8. Archer, The***
    Behaves perfectly until it hits the water line, at which point it shoots a single drop of ice-cold fluid right up your still-open bunghole. A chilling experience.

  9. Banana split crap***
    One of the rarest craps around. A combination of precise conditions must coincide to execute the banana split crap. Firstly, the turd must be of a soft but NOT sloppy consistency. Secondly, you must have been sitting down for a prolonged period in humid conditions (warm office, summer driving, etc) such that a butt hair has become cemented across your back passage. When you eventually go for a crap, a remarkable "cheesewire" effect ensues and you end up with a longitudinally bisected pair of half-turds in the toilet.

  10. Banana no-split crap***
    Similar to the above, but the turd is too firm for the cheesewire effect to take place. Instead, one sits on the toilet screaming "ooch ouch ooch" until the pube either becomes unstuck or is pulled out at the root.

  11. Beer-drunk-and-meat-pie crap
    This happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell too bad but this one is really bad.... Usually this one happens at someone else's house with someone waiting outside, waiting to use the bathroom.

  12. Blitzkrieg crap (also known as ze German or the Sauer Kraut)
    Assaults you violently without warning. Hugely powerful and quite noisy. Thoroughly disgusting and inconvenient. Tears you a new asshole, then goose-steps around the U-bend and off into ignominy.

  13. Box 'o chocolates crap
    You never know what yer gonna git...

  14. Bullet-in-a-gun crap
    Most frequent in really warm weather... As soon as you sit on the can, it shoots out faster than a speeding bullet.

  15. Bung burner
    That painful, acidic crap that makes you feel like you wiped your bunghole with sandpaper.

  16. But-I'm-standing-up! crap§ (count yourself fortunate, ladies, that you'll never have this one)
    You're standing at the urinal having a pleasant slash, when - without warning - you begin to touch cloth. Most embarrassing if the men's room is full, as you frantically attempt to staunch the flow from your member while getting your drawers the rest of the way down and waddling to the (please let one be unoccupied!) stall all at the same time. Rarely has a happy ending.

  17. Cannon crap
    This crap is halfway out then is shot out of your butt like a cannonball by a loud fart. This usually happens when someone is waiting outside the door.

  18. Cement block crap
    The pain of childbirth has nothing on this one: You feel like your sphincter is being stretched to previously unknown proportions, as if the crap were trying to exit your rectum sideways. You wish you had gotten a spinal block before you crapped.

  19. Chinese crap
    You crap once and then, an hour later, you have to crap again.

  20. Cold-ass crap
    When you hear the call of nature in the middle of the night, and don't want to turn any lights on, but some *#§&! left the seat up (see the Feminist crap below) - your bowels react to the shock by violently expelling their contents before you have a chance to jump up.

  21. Cop-stopper crap (also known as the Commuter)
    You're cruising along, minding your own business, when you hear Nature's call. Rather loudly, in fact. In your efforts to avoid soiling your shorts, you drive a bit faster than you should, and get pulled over. Cops are wont to let you go in such situations (not least because the passenger compartment is quite woofy by now).

  22. Cork crap (also known as the Floater)
    Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl... My God! How do I get rid of it?

  23. Corn crap
    No explanation needed for this one - just visualize it...

  24. Coocoo crap (also known as the Swiss)
    When you have to go really bad for a long time, but it won't come out right away, so you push real hard until it's about halfway out, then you stop pushing and it gets sucked back in.

  25. Courtesy flush crap
    When you're in a public lavatory and the stench being emitted from your anus is worse than open sewer plus fish stand, and you are simply overcome by your philanthropic urges (or embarrassed as hell).

  26. Crap of steel (also known as the Godzilla)
    This one is so big and hard you need the Jaws of Life to get it out.

  27. Curly-whirly crap ***
    A number of factors, including the turd consistency and general condition of your rosette, may contribute to this phenomenon. One way or another, the turd contrives to curl upon exit. The first thing you know about it is when something taps you gently on one buttock.

  28. Deja vu crap
    You just swear you've seen this one somewhere before...

  29. Dodgeball crap or Cluster bomb crap
    This kind of crap comes out in about 100 pellets. The first 50 pellets soak your cheeks massively. Having learned from this, you try to dodge the last 50 pellets by pushing each one out about half way, then pushing real hard and jumping up real quick.

  30. Dresden Bomber§
    A flurry of cluster bomb craps that misses the bowl and hits everything but what it was supposed to hit.

  31. Energizer crap (also known as the Mud-Bunny)
    It keeps going... and going... and going...

  32. Excremente excellente
    Sí señor! This one often follows a long night of tacos and tequila shots. Smooth and creamy, with the consistency of frijoles refritos (that's refried beans to you monolingual gringos). Altogether not too unpleasant, if only it didn't smell like Eau de Tijuana. Olé!

  33. F-19 crap
    An excess of Jalapeño peppers causes this one. A not so subtle reminder the day after you eat too much Mexican food. Your ass flares - flames come out - in no time at all, you're going through the ceiling at mach 1.

  34. False alarm crap
    When out of the blue, you have to crap so bad you think you'll blow a hole in your pants, but as soon as you drop your drawers, the sensation goes away. Likes to repeat itself as soon as you've left the bathroom and gone back outside.

  35. Family tree crap
    You could swear it looks just like dear old Aunt Edna. And wouldn't you know it - it clogs up her john, too.

  36. Feminist crap
    Yells at you for leaving the seat up.

  37. Fireball crap
    Shoots out so fast, you think you set fire to your intestines through sheer friction...

  38. Flu crap
    You're so feverish, you can hardly get up in response to your rumbling stomach... as you rush to the bowl, you feel both the first signs of upchuck up above and the bubbly mass down below that says this one's pure liquid, baby. Better hope that you're real limber (or are lucky enough to have the sink basin right next to the toilet - and a very understanding cleaning woman).

  39. Fly, The
    This one sticks to the side of the bowl above the water line (how the hell did it get there?!?). Repeated flushing can't defeat it, so you're forced to reach for the coat hanger to knock it down.

  40. Gas Chamber, The*
    Found in seldom used and never cleaned outhouses at fishing camps in the deep south. This fetid pile of refuse creates such an overwhelming stench that when you open the door your eyes immediately begin to water, and you begin to choke as your lungs instinctively rebel against the poisonous gas.

  41. Ghost crap
    You know you've crapped. There's crap on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.

  42. Gooey crap
    This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This crap leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet and normally occurs when the phone is ringing.

  43. Grandpa-Killer crap
    Every wonder why the elderly have to take all those stool softeners? This one can give them massive strokes because of its gigantic proportions.

  44. Handi-Capable crap, The +* (also known as the "Special" crap)
    This is an event in which you feel the onset of a crap so powerful that you have to use the handicapped stall due to the special requirement for handrails. This ensures that you can somewhat mitigate the torso spasms that result from the undue strain as you grind out this huge & painful turd.

  45. Hellraiser crap
    Hurts so much you'd swear you were giving anal birth to Pinhead.

  46. Hitchhiker crap
    This one makes you feel like you have to crap before you need to go somewhere, but you can't really, but as soon as you're halfway to your destination, it demands to be dropped immediately.

  47. Hit a dime at ten feet through a screen door crap
    This is an actual description from a confederate soldier in the Civil War, in a letter home to his mother, when describing the effects of having to eat vegetables that weren't yet ripe (primarily green corn).

  48. Holy crap!
    Makes you pray to God for death or deliverance.

  49. Inside-out crap
    You're taking care of business in a big way, doing numbers one and two at the same time. All of a sudden, a powerful sneeze overtakes you. You spend 5 minutes wiping your nose and getting your colon and urethra back into place.

  50. Jack-in-the-box crap*
    You flush it. It disappears. Suddenly it pops back out again.

  51. King Kong or Commode blocker crap
    This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of crap usually happens in someone else's house.

  52. Lacerate your anus crap
    Feels like you're giving anal birth to a wad of steel wool with thumbtacks thrown in for good measure. If you insist on wolfing down your food like that, at least chew your Doritos more thoroughly!**

  53. Lincoln log crap
    So big and round and hard, you could build a house with it!

  54. Little Dutch boy crap (also known as Sentinel or Guardian of the gate)***
    This tiny, round, hard nugget of a turd seems so insignificant that you wonder why you even bothered going to the toilet. It is only when you finally squeeze him out that you realize he was holding back two liters of scorching, smelly, brown, frothy liquid.

  55. Lyin' piece o' crap
    This little guy deceives you into thinking he's only a harmless little fart, but when you let him loose he reveals his true identity, and you have to walk around bowlegged with your underwear sticking to your butt until you can find a bathroom.

  56. Magnet crap
    Sticks to the bowl below water level and can't be flushed unless it is removed from bowl wall with a coat hanger.

  57. Mathematical crap
    So hard you have to work it out with a pencil! (Think about it...)

  58. Mister Happy***
    This crap is quite content to stay where it is, requiring no effort on your part and giving you a big smile all day. If you see a colleague smiling for no readily apparent reason, you can bet that he or she is sitting on a Mr. Happy and looking forward to 5.00pm.

  59. Moose turd crap
    This kind of crap comes out in about 20 small little pellets that splash the water and soak your ass.
    Submitted by an astute surfer in Alaska, of course!

  60. Mystery crap
    I don't remember eating that!

  61. NASA crap
    This poor poop gets delayed for hours or even days due to unfavorable weather, computer problems, unforeseen budget shortfalls, incompetent management, etc. The more it gets delayed, the more frantic you get. Until ultimately you panic, try to fire it off prematurely, and blow out your o-ring - exploding spectacularly.
    Ok, that was pretty tasteless, but find something at this site that isn't...

  62. "Oops, I swallowed my gum" crap
    Damn, it wasn't that color when I was chewing it...

  63. Pike's Peak crap
    This crap reaches such majestic proportions, it almost touches your ass.

  64. Pissing-rusty-water-out-of-your-ass crap
    And I'll bet you didn't think porcelain could rust...

  65. Pop-a-vein-in-your-head crap
    This one is the kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

  66. Reincornation crap
    No matter how thoroughly you chew your corn when you eat it, this crap still contains whole pieces of corn. One for the X Files...

  67. Pop'n'fresh crap
    The kind of crap that looks so much like the Pillsbury Doughboy that you just have to poke it to see if it goes: "WOO HOO!!!"

  68. R.O.V. crap***
    This turd begins its journey around the U-bend before it has even finished leaving your bum. A favorite with explorers.

  69. Red wine crap (also known as the Frenchie)
    Just drink 2-3 bottles of red wine at one sitting if you want to get acquainted with this semi-arrogant dookie. Takes its time getting ready and demands your full attention when it arrives. But zhen: ze look! Ze feel! Ze bouquet! Ou-la-la!

  70. Right now crap
    You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the john, usually it has its head out before you get your pants off.

  71. Roadside crap
    When you're tooling down the highway in the middle of nowhere (you passed the last rest area 100 miles back) and you get a bad case of the juicy farts...

  72. Salvador Dali crap
    Comes out in strange, surrealistic colors. A strong indication that you took at least one too many 'shrooms last night.

  73. Scary crap
    Ever heard of the phrase "Scared the crap out of me..."? 'nuff said.

  74. Second thought crap
    You're all done wiping and you are about to stand up when you realize you've got more.

  75. Share with others crap
    This one's just too good to ban to the sewers right away. You really should spray paint it and put it on a pedestal in your living room, but instead you decide to just leave it in the toilet for your roommate/housemate/spouse to find a few hours later.

  76. Shit that Dreams Are Made of, The+*
    After feeling the pressing need to take a huge dump, one is very occasionally rewarded by the shit that dreams are made of. This pleasant turd is rock solid in consistency, just thick enough as to be meaty without causing anal discomfort, and falls out in one swift & comfortable movement, yet slipping silently into the water like an Olympic diver who produces no splash. This defecation barely causes the lucky dumper to break a sweat, much less groan in agony. In fact, this stunning bowel movement has often elicited happy, yummy noises of disbelief and marvel at what a perfect turd one has had the pleasure of producing. If you are wondering if you've been lucky enough to experience this dreamy shit, you'll know for sure if it takes less than two squares of toilet paper to wipe up afterwards, as this glorious mud-bunny produces virtually no skid. To hell with that new BMW M1 - this is truly the shit that dreams are made of!

  77. Snake crap
    This crap is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.

  78. Spikey crap (also known as the Tree-hugger)
    When this one comes out, it scrapes your bunghole like a wire brush. A sure sign that it's time to cut back on that high-fiber diet...

  79. Splatter crap
    This crap usually occurs after eating something that doesn't agree with your stomach. The morning after, you feel a tremendous pressure build up and have to get to the toilet REAL quick where everything is over within 2 seconds and you have decorated the toilet along with the cheeks of your backside.

  80. Stall, The***
    Robust and sizeable, this turd starts out well but then gives up halfway. You are left not knowing whether to pull it out or shove it back.

  81. Stonehenge crap
    You sometimes see this one after you've been "congested" for a couple of days and finally get the lead out: you drop so many medium-sized turds that you can build a stone circle. Will become an object of wonder for sewer workers about 5,000 years from now.

  82. Straggler, The
    After taking a dump, this Playdough-like turd doesn't pinch off with the rest and threatens to smear itself all over your crack if you try to stand up and wipe it off. Requires shaking your ass on the toilet for it to drop off.

  83. T-1000 crap
    Breaks into millions of pieces on its way out, but regroups into a solid mass in the bowl.
    Don't get it? Rent Terminator 2 at your local video shop...

  84. Teflon-coated crap
    Comes out so slick clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of crap are on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

  85. Titanic crap
    This one is so big you must christen it before saying, "Bon Voyage", then it breaks in two before sinking.

  86. Trumpet Quartet with Percussion Crap
    This one is accompanied by such loud farting, you feel like the whole building is shaking. Don't be surprised at the round of applause that greets you when you emerge from the commode unscathed!

  87. Tubthumper, The*
    This type of crap hits you so fast that you dash full speed into the bathroom pulling your pants off as you run; you hit the toilet seat at Mach 3, causing it to break completely off, thereby hurling you into the bathtub - at which point the pain of impact causes your bowels to empty.

  88. Turdsicle, The (This one is really gross)
    When you've taken your favorite bed bunny up the Hershey highway and pull your tool out, only to discover it's been chocolate-coated. Next time, don't forget the enema beforehand.

  89. Two-Tipper, The
    This one's kind of curled like a banana, with both ends above water. If you see this one, you might want to cut back on the iron supplements.

  90. Weight Watchers crap
    You crap so much that you lose several kilos and feel a bit light-headed afterwards.

  91. Wet cheeks crap
    This crap hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets your cheeks all wet.

  92. "What the hell died in here?" crap (also known as the Toxic waste dump)
    Fortunately, this one doesn't poke out its ugly head too often. But when it does, of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odors. Instead, you stand innocently by the door and then enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

  93. Whipped cream crap
    A true masterpiece - as the name implies, were it not brown, you could use it to decorate a cake.

  94. Wish crap
    You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times - but no crap.

  95. X-Files crap
    A gigantic crap found floating in the bowl after someone under the age of 8 leaves the bathroom. Mulder will definitely enjoy solving this one.

* These choice craps are courtesy of a true CrapMeister, Keith M.
** This creative crap was submitted by William D., another CrapMeister
*** These excellent craps were submitted by Marcus M., the U.K.'s leading CrapMeister
+* These primo poos were as submitted by my Bro, Scott Z., a CrapMeister by birth and by conviction.
§ Thanks to CrapMeister Steve T. for these tasty turds

Like my crap? Hate it? Or just have something up your ass?
Mail the CrapMeister at crapzalkindnet
Please be advised that I may tell you to blow it out your ass.

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This collection and all original work: copyright by Jeff Zalkind © 1995-2008. All rights reserved.
No part of this work may be reproduced or distributed, in whole or in part, without my expressed written permission.
Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of international copyright law and may be assaulted with flying dung.